Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would suffer from infertility- in my case recurrent losses.
Back in 2015, we made the decision to start trying to have kids. I stopped birth control and instantly became pregnant. We had such an easy pregnancy and delivery and gave birth to a baby boy in April 2016. I immediately got back on birth control and told myself that we would try for baby #2 in about 2 years.
Fast forward to November of 2018, we started trying to conceive baby #2. Again, no issues conceiving and I got a positive pregnancy test in March of 2019. Soon after, we faced our very first loss in April 2019. From there on out we had a total of six miscarriages over the course of two years.
We had three losses with our OB, one with Maternal Fetal Medicine, and two with Shady Grove Fertility. As you can imagine, every test under the sun was performed on both my husband and I and everything came back normal. They couldn’t explain why I was having recurrent losses. My next step was IVF, which I was adamant about NOT doing. I had been through enough and IVF wasn’t something I wanted to go through.
In January of 2020, my husband and I had lost all hope of having a baby. We had taken to the fact that it just wasn’t in the cards for us and we should be happy with the one miracle baby we did bring earthside. Part of me was still holding out that I could bring another babe into this world but the other part of me was just so damn exhausted. I made the decision to work with a Chiropractor who specialized in fertility and just spend a few months focusing on my overall health.
Dr. Harris, my Chiropractor, took a look at all my labs. He made supplement recommendations and overall health recommendations. I spent the next 90 days eating better, exercising more consistently, drinking more water, taking my supplements regularly, and seeing him bi-weekly.
I used ovulation tracking as my form of birth control and on April 1st we did the deed without paying any attention to the date. On April 2nd I got a notification that it was my prime ovulation day! Oops. So as the month progressed, all signs of pregnancy appeared and after 4 weeks, I had my positive pregnancy. I knew that this time around I didn’t want the added stress of getting blood work every week to check my HCG levels, so I didn’t tell my doctor I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks pregnant. I went in for that first ultrasound with a knot in my stomach. And then I heard the heartbeat and was filled with a brief period of instant relief. As the next week passed, again I showed up for an 8-week ultrasound with a knot in my stomach. And again at 9 weeks. After 9 weeks, Shady Grove released me to my midwives.
I wish that I could tell you that my pregnancy was filled with excitement but instead I was swallowed by constant fear and stress. I heard it time and time again…
“Just stop stressing out over it.”
“If it’s God’s will, it’ll be.”
But going through the trauma of losing 6 little babies, made it near impossible to have faith.
After each and every time I went to the bathroom, I checked the toilet paper for blood, for signs of loss.
After intimacy, I would immediately look between my legs to see if there was blood because my second miscarriage happened that way.
At the start of my second trimester I made the decision to stop exercising because after each session I would come home in fear that by exerting so much force, I would cause a loss. I would constantly check my undies for blood because I was sure it was bound to happen.
I worried about if my baby moving too little? And what if the cord strangled my baby? What if I had a stillborn?
After each milestone, I always feared something new. There was never a period where I just felt at ease.
I even remember making the decision to start buying baby items. I told myself, “Oh, if I keep everything in the box, I can return them!” Because I was convinced I wouldn’t be bringing home a baby.
Then just five hours before my little miracle entered this world I was lying down watching TV and all of a sudden I felt a gush of blood. I rushed to the bathroom and immediately began sobbing. That same gush was the gush that I had with most of my miscarriages. I immediately rushed over to labor and delivery and was relieved that my baby was perfect and labor had just begun!
So even though I have my happy ending and am beyond grateful, I lived those 9 months mostly in isolation. Yeah, we also happened to be in a pandemic, but I didn’t really have anyone to talk with about the constant fear I was living in. I felt like I had to keep all my thoughts to myself because people just wouldn’t understand. In hindsight I probably should have seen a therapist- I was not okay.
I made the decision to share my journey because with my very first miscarriage, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. It’s almost a taboo subject. People don’t talk about their journeys enough and although that’s okay, I rather share my experiences with those who are looking for some knowledge/support!
You can read a little about my miscarriage journey by clicking below!
Melanie Amparo Photography
Newborn & Maternity Photographer