You hear about people having miscarriages, but no one ever talks about it. It’s as if there is some sort of negative connotation associated with the word. I’m sharing a bit of my story along with 5 things no one else tells you.
On April 21, 2018, I had my very first miscarriage at 9 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. I had just seen my little bean with a week prior with a strong and healthy heartbeat.
I had no idea what to expect and knew no one (who openly talked about it) that went through it who I could talk to. Doctors said that these things just happen. After what felt like forever, we saw the two little lines on a pregnancy test again. I was hopeful but then I had my second miscarriage on September 2, 2018. Doctors literally told me that “it’s just the luck of the draw and completely normal.” They said that they don’t test for fertility issues until you have THREE losses.
On December 14, 2018, I had my third miscarriage. Doctors finally agreed to do more testing and sent me on my way to see a specialist. After a few blood tests on both me and my husband, everything came back normal except that I had an abnormal prothrombin gene mutation. What this meant is that each time I got pregnant my body was literally attacking the baby by causing blood clots. My specialist told me that by taking an 85mg aspirin daily it would help me see the baby to full-term. As soon as I found out I was pregnant she wanted me to see her and then get started on the aspirin. I remember telling her that I was concerned because I kept losing the babies before the first appointment and her response was that an abnormal PT gene isn’t associated with an early loss. SO WHY THE HECK DO I KEEP HAVING EARLY LOSSES?!?! But I didn’t say that to her or didn’t think about it until very recently. Instead, I trusted that she knew best.
After knowing what we thought was causing the miscarriages, I had hope that I would finally become a mama again! I tested positive again on February 10, 2019. I was beyond ecstatic that I had a plan and was hopeful that I would carry to the end. I called the doctor and had a 6-week appointment set-up. I started making mental plans of adding another baby to our little family. By February 15, 2019, I lost another one. I never made it to the appointment.
A few months later, I’m pregnant again. I saw those two lines and smiled but then balled my eyes out. I was scared. I wanted to be happy, but I was terrified. I called my best friend because I needed to talk about my range of emotions. Later that day my husband comes home, and I showed them the test. He got excited and I started crying uncontrollably again. How can I keep doing this to him? How can I keep getting him all excited and yet I keep failing him each and every time? He’s so supportive and doesn’t see it that way but my body is literally killing our babies.
I had THREE amazing ultrasounds. I saw my little baby 3 times and saw the little heartbeat flicker. My specialist was so excited for me and legit told me that there was a less than 1% chance of losing this baby. You guys, LESS THAN 1% CHANCE. After she said that I began to make myself believe that I was having a baby! I wanted to stop being so negative and stop the “I’m not bleeding YET” conversations. I began putting it out into the universe that I was having a freaking baby!
July 13, 2019. I had trouble sleeping that night. I actually slept on our pull-out couch because I just couldn’t sleep. I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom. One wipe and there it was- the blood. I cried. How can this happen? I immediately knew that I was having a miscarriage. I went to the ER later that day only to be told that again, at 9 weeks, my baby was gone.
That Monday, I called my specialist and told her what was happening. She told me how sorry she was and how she really thought I would carry this baby until the end. She told me that she needed to do more research and that she would get back to me. It’s a little over a month later I have yet to hear back from her. I sit here with no answers and as my OB told me, “sometimes we never know the reason why [it keeps happening].”
After going through 5 different miscarriages, I’ve learned a lot and am sharing 5 things no one tells you about miscarriages.
You question what you did wrong.
With my first and second loss, I began to replay every possible thing that happened that made me lose the baby. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I shouldn’t have done yard work. I shouldn’t have spoken to my neighbor, therefore, causing her dog to jump on my belly. I shouldn’t have been playing and rolling around on the floor with my little cousins. I should have been taking it easier around the house. My mind would replay all the things that I did over the course of those 9 weeks.
As much as the doctor tells you that there is nothing that you do that causes a miscarriage, you still fail to believe that and rummage through your brain trying to recall each and every moment.
You deliver your baby, in a toilet.
After they told me I lost the baby, I had three options- let my body dispose of baby, or as the professionals say, fetus, on its own, insert some pills into my vagina to start dilating and contracting or get a D&C. I read so much about a D&C and how it damages your uterine lining that I decided I would do it naturally. After a week, nothing happened. My next option was the pills. I inserted two pills into my vagina and had no idea what would happen next! Would I immediately lose the baby, would it happen over the course of a few hours or days? The doctors couldn’t give me an answer but just that it all depends.
The day I was supposed to take the pills my husband went to work. We decided that I would take the pills when he got home so that he could take care of our son. I ran out to the store to get some heavy-duty pads and pick up the medication. On my way home, I thought, let me stop and get some ice cream. Just as I’m a few feet from the ice cream store I feel a gush. I bled through my pants and on my car seat.
With Noah (my kid) in my hands, I ran through the house and went straight to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet as blood kept pouring out of me. I would get up to lay down and feel the need to run back to the bathroom. Suddenly, this time was different. I felt a big “plump” come out and drop right into the toilet. I was alone. I dropped to the floor and cried my eyes out. At just the very right moment, my cousin called and waited it out with me. I had just dropped my dead baby into a toilet. And then had to flush it.
After a week passed, I had another ultrasound and there was still tissue present in my uterus. I had to take the pills to try and get the rest of it out of me. I bled for 7 weeks straight until the last of the tissue escaped my body. After this, I decided that with each subsequent loss, I would get a D&C. I couldn’t go through this again mentally.
Your body turns into a disaster.
From the moment you get pregnant your body begins to change. You’re exhausted, your boobs hurt like crazy, pants start to get a little snug. After you lose the baby, your body is a disaster once again. Through each and every miscarriage I lost so much hair, had breakouts and had to work hard to lose the little bit of weight I had gained from eating everything in sight.
Not to mention with the D&C, a short surgery, you get put under anesthesia and bed rest for 24 hours following. Plus side, no real bleeding. Just some cramping.
And then I sit there anxiously waiting 6-7 weeks before my period came back and questioning if I am pregnant again because it took so long to come back.
People don’t know what to say to console you.
Because no one ever talks about miscarriages, when I had my first one it was a total shock! Not only did I not know what to expect, but many of the comments I received also didn’t help.
- “Something could have been wrong with the baby.”
- “It’s not the right time.”
- “It’ll happen when God’s ready.”
- “You’re still young, you can try again.”
- “Just trust that God has a plan.”
- “Something has to be wrong.”
Now don’t get me wrong, many simply said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” And that’s all we need from you. Don’t try to explain it or justify it or talk about your friend who went on to have a bunch of babies. Just be present with them.
It steals your joy.
After my first loss, I got pregnant again shortly after. I thought this is it! There’s no way I could have two miscarriages back to back. But what happens is you’re afraid. Each time you go to the bathroom you check your underwear, look in the toilet and check that toilet paper for blood. You wake up in the middle of night fearful that you’ve been bleeding. People tell you over and over to take it easy but it’s hard. When you are the one and only person that experiences the loss over and over again you have this anxiety and it’s so hard to let go.
Through it all, I manage to stay calm. Yes, it hurts like hell, but I can’t be mad over a situation that I have no control over. Most days I’m fine and some days I legit start to tear up out of nowhere. I definitely want closure and the only way that will happen is by finding out what is wrong with my body.
So, for all the mamas that are struggling, I’m here. Don’t suffer alone. Reach out.
Melanie Amparo Photography
Birth | Baby | Family Photographer